Jade

Dear Jade,

Recently I went on a “Singles in Support of Humpback Whales” sailing expedition (AKA the Singles Hump Cruise for short) and met “Kip,” the man of my dreams. Kip’s a marine biologist dedicated to preserving the endangered Tahitian Squat Lobster (which helps equalize the ocean’s ph balance). Poachers capture these little creatures, cross breed them with Sea Monkeys (to make them even smaller) and force-feed them Pico de Gallo so their shells metabolize into a creamy membrane that ironically tastes like cocktail sauce. They’re then passed off as pre-marinated Languistino to discount restaurants in the Midwest. The whole process is cruel and inhumane (but yummy – or so I’m told). Kip assured me that his job had turned him completely “green,” as well as made him a staunch vegan. That’s when I knew we were soul mates since I also can’t bring myself to eat anything that comes from an animal or wear anything except organic cotton.
However, lately I’ve noticed a strange odor on Kip’s breath that resembles Shrimp Scampi and capers in a garlic-enhanced pinot grigio reduction sauce (which is delicious, by the way, with an oaky sauvignon blanc – or so I’m told). Then the next time we were together he smelled of Coq au Vin (the Julia Child version, not that crappy kind you get off a soup can). But the clincher came when I noticed cocktail sauce on the collar of a polyester shirt I found in his apartment when I dropped by unannounced to borrow a cup of algae for my compost pile. (He wasn’t home.)
Jade, I’m fairly certain Kip is cheating on me with poultry and fish, and for all I know, red meat. But worse yet, when I searched his apartment (looking for the algae) I found out not only has he been secretly wearing synthetic fabrics when we’re not together, but he washes his clothes in fabric softener, doesn’t sort his recyclables, and has cupboards full of plastic food storage containers.
I want it to work with Kip, but now feel like our once green relationship has been soiled to a muddy brown. What do I do?
-Hungry for Love in Pocatello

Dear Hungry for Love,
Lying about one’s “greenability” is not uncommon among people who became green late in life. When did Kip leave the dark side? Maybe this is just a temporary setback. To find out, discuss it with him and give him a chance to explain. (And speaking of explanations, you might want to come up with a better excuse as to why you were searching his apartment.) If he’s truly gone off the wagon, there are several good 12-step programs you can look into together, Polluters Unnamed (PU) being a good place to start.
image via statianzo

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9 Entries to “Dear Jade: Advice Boyfriend falling off the green wagon? (humor)”

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